13 terrible photos of hackers


Shutterstock

POP QUIZ, HOT SHOT: What’s the funniest thing on the internet?

Did you say “hacker stock photos”? Well, I hope you did, because otherwise you’re wrong. I mean, probably. I do not know. It’s not like I’ve seen the whole internet. I guess it’s safe to assume that I missed something funnier. And I also forget a lot of things, so maybe I saw one or more things funnier than archive photos of hackers. As if I remembered the shoe roast a while ago. The shoe roast is probably funnier. But stay.

It’s already going off the rails. But do you know what can bring him back? I’ll tell you: stock photo of hackers! They are truly amazing. Sometimes when I’m bored or disgusted, I just open Shutterstock and flip through 20-25 pages, giggling like a maniac all the time. So because you need to come and get me now, or you will need it at some point in the future, I’m going to share some of my favorites with you. There will be a surprising amount of spandex. Consider your warning.

Here we go…

So, yes, please note the fact that there is a man in a black and white checkered spandex suit sitting at a desk and tilting his head towards the camera. And also notice the Terminator-style reading on the image which focuses on his head and identifies him as a “hacker”, a “thief” and a “spy”. And certainly note how much fun it is that whatever program has identified him as these things, as if that is the most logical explanation for what and / or who this person is.

But more importantly, think about everything that had to happen before the camera captured that image. Check some of the steps:

  • Someone must have requested a photo of a hacker
  • Someone must have been thinking, “Hmm, how can I describe a hacker in a way that everyone will understand? “
  • This person must have come up with this idea
  • No one could dissuade him
  • Someone bought or rented a full spandex chess board costume
  • Someone showed up on the set and was told they needed to don the full chessboard spandex costume.
  • Nobody could speak him apart from that
  • Everyone involved let this happen
  • CLICK ON

When you think of it that way, this picture is practically a miracle.

There’s really nothing I can or should add to this, other than maybe saying it’s funny to imagine this woman shouting “TELL ME YOUR PASSWORD YOU GODFORSAKEN MACHINE”, and that it’s also funnier to claim that it happened after 5-10 minutes of trying to verbally question him first.

No, I’m withdrawing that. The image is better without any intervention on my part. Forget that I said anything.

Let’s get over the thing where someone tries to hack into a computer by opening the screen with a key because the “files are in the computer joke ”has been made on several occasions, notably by Zoolander, and anything I try to add will make me the other kind of hack. Instead, let’s just take it at face value. Let’s accept that this is a real thing happening. Alright, good. NOTHING IS THE SAME SIZE, PROPORTIONALLY. There are at least three options here, and I’m not sure which is the most fascinating:

1) The laptop is full size, the key is huge, and the hacker is tiny
2) The hacker is full size, the laptop is huge, and the key is REALLY HUGE
3) The key is full size, the laptop is tiny, and the hacker is REALLY SMALL

I lean towards the latter, only because, for example, why would someone build such a big laptop in the first place? You couldn’t take him anywhere. And even if you only use it at home, typing would take forever because you would have to jump from key to key like the most boring game in Dance Dance Revolution already. Imagine trying to type the word “oceanographer”. You would run out!

Something you may have noticed so far is that there are a lot of archive photos of hackers that feature people wearing ski masks. I guess it’s to try to make it clear that they’re not up to anything good, or to equate them with other types of thieves, like bank robbers. But it’s always great fun to think of someone getting ready for a busy day hacking into their apartment and putting on a ski mask right before they sit down.

Anyway, I love this guy. No idea what he’s doing. My best guess is that he takes a selfie to use as an avatar in his anarchist Dark Web chat room.

Hacking is bad but that doesn’t mean I not want to live in a world where a bunch of quadruplets that look like Hank’s breaking Bad attempting to bring down capitalism by huddling around a laptop computer with a skull decal stuck to it. That, I think, maybe, probably, would fix everything for me.

DISTRICT LAWYER: Your Honor, the accused is accused of being the head of an international hacking collective responsible for breaching the private databases of the IRS and several credit card companies, resulting in a widespread financial panic that this nation still has not fully recovered from.

JUDGE: It is noted. How does the defendant plead?

DEFENSE LAWYER: My client is a lovely pleader, Your Honor.

Well that’s awkward. It looks like I accidentally uploaded a photo of myself within moments of snatching another tweet from A + Fire. I don’t know how it happened.

Apologies.

Okay, I have 10 questions:

Why does Shutterstock think hackers wear full length spandex suits?

If he’s preoccupied with secrecy enough to don a black spandex suit, why is he hacking in front of a window in broad daylight?

What would you do if you looked from the desk in front of it and saw… what’s going on here?

Why is this guy wearing a hat over his costume?

Where are his shoes?

Doesn’t he look a little too comfortable?

Is … is this his office?

Does he work for an evil syndicate that has a superb seat with glass walls?

If you were running an evil syndicate, wouldn’t you build your headquarters underground or somewhere out of sight?

Like, inside a volcano?

I would like.

The official caption for this one is “The Man in the Hooded Shirt is a Computer Hacker” which, okay, but a more accurate caption would probably be “How a CBS crime drama thinks a touchscreen works” .

TREVOR, THE HEAD OF THE PIRACY UNION: Ah, well, you’re back. How did the hack go?

CARL, THE NEW: Great. I have the keyboard.

TREVOR, THE HEAD OF THE PIRACY UNION: Excellent… wait, what?

CARL, THE NEW: I have the keyboard.

TREVOR, THE HEAD OF THE PIRACY UNION:… Why?

CARL, THE NEW: You said go over there and cripple his system. Well, I would like to see him try to do anything without a keyboard.

TREVOR, THE HEAD OF THE PIRACY UNION: You idiot. I wanted to cripple him with our code. He can just go and buy another keyboard!

CARL, THE NEW: Ahhh. I see what happened here. Classic misunderstanding.

TREVOR, THE HEAD OF THE PIRACY UNION: Jesus Christ, Carl.

The thing about this one is that the guy isn’t so much ‘hacked’ that he ‘kind of slips behind a lady and glances at her screen’. I understand this is a metaphor. I do. But it’s also funny to imagine someone walking around a Starbucks and doing that to people while they are sipping their lattes.

Laugh if you will, but all I see here is a dedicated worker (staying up to almost 6pm) with a strong commitment to professionalism (wearing a shirt and tie instead of the more latex bodysuits). casual wear worn by his peers) and attention to detail (magnifying a glass). He’ll be promoted to middle manager before you even know it.

In fact, this one looks pretty accurate.


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